Am I a bad mother?

At my house I last had a helper when the boys were in Primary, as soon as the last born started High School, we decided  that we will share the house chores even cooking. Then on top of their pocket money, they will get something from what we are saving from hiring a helper.

Now my dilema is that two of the boys have too much time wasted on games, movies etc, and the other is really serious. His study mates come to do school work with him, sometimes he goes to them or they stay at varsity till late studying. Yes his results so far show that he is serious.

The thing now is that, when the serious one is busy with his studies and it is his turn either to cook or do other chore, I check who is playing games, then I FORCE that one to help with the chores as I do not want to disturb the one studying. Then the grumbling, then I become pissed off because he is doing nothing in any case, then I threaten to cut off his incentive.

As a parent am I not at liberty to give them chores as I please, schedule or no schedule?

How do you step from the top of a 100 foot pole?

This is a hard one, not only hard in terms of interpreting this topic, but literally stepping from a 100 foot pole is really a challenge!! It is a challenge especially without a ladder.

In terms of mertaphor I can say that in life people work hard to get to the top, okey, some work not really hard but are just lucky. It is said that at some point people get to the top of the 100 foot pole by making others steps which they use to get up to the top.

For me, I do not have a problem with people using others to climb up the pole, but I have a problem with people who when they are up there, forget how they even got there. They forget that they are up there because others have sacrificed to assist them to be up there. Some, on their way up they even kick out those they have used as steps  up there.

Now comes a time when a person has to ' step from the top of a 100 foot pole', so, because he/she has kicked off his/her steps, now yhe/she has to fall hard back to the ground. There is a saying 'what goes up must come down'. So, if one has a tendency of forgetting those who help hin/her up the pole, he/she will wonder how he/she will step from the top of a 100 foot pole.

Can dreams come true?

People say that dreams do come true, if I can think off cuff now, few things can make me say that dreams do come true. Not even my marriage qualifies to be a dream come true, I never had plans of getting married,it was a matter of girl meet boy and boy liked girl, then the rest is history. What I'm trying to say is that I was never a big dreamer when I grew up.

Now that I'm matured, there are so many things that when I lie awake at night I dream about, even during the day I find myself daydreaming. I dream about lots of things, from having my grandson come to stay with me, my boys finished at school being successful businessmen, me retired running a small bussiness etc.

My latest dream is a wedding, yes MY wedding, ok, anniversary, renewal of vows, anything in those lines, but something glamorous. I have shared this dream with my husband, guess what, he has agreed on this one
'in principle,I must first see the budget' that was his response when I told him of my lates dream. This is when I started thinking ' Okey, dreams do come true' anyway, I'll say those words when the ceremony has come and gone. Keep your diaries open ' December 2012 - 25th anniversary' 

We are what we do

Am I really what I do? I'm going to talk about myself in terms of what I am and do as a parent. What I do as a parent is being a good mother to my children and others that I encounter dailly. I believe that I am what I do in the sense that I try my utmost best to be the role model to my children. I know that in some instances children imitate what we do as parents that is why whatever I do I make sure it will not give wrong message to them.

We teach our children to be the best citizens they can be, I think the best way to do that is for me as a parent to be and do the right things all the time. If I do unsavoury things then I will be labeled according to my behaviour, then I will be judged by what I do.

There is a story I read about twins whose parents were alcoholics and never cared about them, one studied hard and became a doctor and the other was a nobody who drank and could not keep a job. A person asked the one who is a doctor how did he manage to be a doctor coming from a background of drinking parents and a brother. He replied that ' with parents like mine, how can I not study and work hard to be better than what they are'. When the dronky was asked the same question, he replied ' with parents like mine, what else can you expect from me?'

Moral of the story, we really are what we do and as parents we have a strong influence to what future lies ahead for our children. But the ULTIMATE decision is on them to be what they want to be!!

How old would you be if you did'nt know how old you are?

I have heard so many times people saying that age is just a number. Where I am at the moment, I agree with that statement I am 49 but I do not feel that at all!!

Coming to the question, I would still want to be the 49yrs old I am because I have no regrets to where I am at thye moment. At times when I look at my photos when I was young, wrinkle free face and all I wish I could have that face, but that ends there, just a wishful thinking.

With all the experiences I have concerning life in general, if I wish to be younger it will mean I will have to discard all the wisedom and experiences that I have. In my life 90% from it I will trade it for nothing, I will still want to go through that life if I could do it again. If I didn't know how old I am I would want to be this 49yr old wise, smart, loving mother of 5 boys who has a loving and wonderfull husband.

We are afraid of the wrong things

It is a fact that we all are afraid of  'something'. We are all unique, therefore we can not be afraid of the same things. You might be afraid of spiders, I might be afraid of dogs, on the other hand there are people who are afraid of things that are not living, a person might be afraid of commitment, the other might be afraid of being overwhelmed by debts.

When it is said we are afraid of 'wrong' things, the question is, 'wrong' according to whom, because as I have mentioned, it might be a wrong thing for you but to me it might not. Taking being afraid of commitment as an example, a person can be afraid of commitment because a partner cheated, or he/she was in an abusive relationship. So with such an experience the person can be justified to be afraid of commitment.

Taking the same example, another person might resolve that it will be wrong to be afraid of commitment because your previous experiences are supposed to make you stronger not be weak and afraid of taking forward steps. For me it is difficult to support this statement because I belive that you have to walk in someone else's shoes to be able to judge them. Individuals have their own reasons why they are afraid of whatever they are afraid of.

Traditional ceremonies

We are living in an era that is so enlightened that you sometimes wonder if our traditional rituals are still relevant. Some families, though the elders used to do traditional ceremonies, they nowadays just abandon them and claim to be Westernised or claim to be Christians.

Some believe wholeheartedly that doing your traditional rituals keeps evil spirits away or brings luck to the family, depending on the type of ritual you are doing. People say that you have to BELIEVE, then things will start happening as you wish.
When I was growing up, traditional ceremonies were not frequently done at my home, actually only when I was grown up that I noticed a small ceremony will be done once in a while. You can imagine the shock I had when I got married I found that my in-laws not only believe in traditional things, they live them. I mean when a family member is sick, the first thing they do is to make sure all rituals have been done, like'imbeleko' intambo yokukhutshwa endlini' and so forth. If all those were done then he/she will be taken to the doctor, if not, the traditional ceremony must be done, as the belief is that ancestors are complaining that is why the person is sick.
To be honest, only a few times I have noticed the traditional diagnosis to be accurate, otherwise most of the times, we do the ritual and still have to take the person to the doctor, at that time much damage had occured. Though I was skeptical at first, nowadays, I even sometimes dream and it will be interpreted and if it means I must make 'umqombothi' for the ancestors, I do and after that good things will happen and I will also feel at peace. I think I am now really part of my huband's clan.
Frid, 18 we are going home to one of the biggest traditional ceremonies, I am so looking forward I can't wait, even my kids, they are geared up to go home. I will take picture and share them with you.

Fish falling from the sky

Fish falling from the sky, to me is like wishing for something that will never happen, like 'ukuza kuka Nxele' if you know what I mean. Nowadays you easily hear people say 'nothing is impossible'. Nothing is impossible could mean an opposite of ' fish falling from the sky'.

With all the technology that we have today, it is possible to one of these days see fish fall from the sky. Who ever knew that a man could go to the moon, who knew you could communicate with somebody thousands of miles from you, who knew there would ever be treatment for TB(that is way before you were born,TB was like HIV/AIDS today).Even when you look at us in SA, there are many things that have happened that we once thought, 'ag, that will happen the day fish fell from the sky'.

It will take people that are really optimists to use phrases like 'fish falling from the sky'. To be optimistic is to be positive, believing that with innovation and creativity, anything is possible, even believing that one day fish will fall from the sky.

What is the colour of the wind

There are so many answers to this question on the internet. Some people say the wind is colourless, transparent, there's even one who says it is black, why black? I'm not sure. This question reminds me of one of my sons who when he was at pre-primary school he drew a picture with waves, a man and a fish. The man was on the sea and the fish outside the waves, which is the land. After seeing this the teacher called me and said that she was concerned, at his age he is supposed to know the difference. She suggested that I take him for occupational therapy. He attended this therapy for about six months twice a month. After that the teacher said there is some improvement, what improvement, up to now I don't know.
When confronted with tasks, questions and instructions we do not understand, sometimes it is better to try and come up with something than not to do anything because you say ' I DON'T KNOW'. It is through the mistakes we make that we learn more about ourselves.

If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?

In 1996 I received a call that my mother suffered a stroke and she was in hospital. I was next to her bed until she was discharged. The stroke hit her left side, she lost speech and was left a bit confused. When she was discharged I brought her to my house to stay with us. Because I am working I hired a nurse to look after her. From the start I was not happy with how this lady was taking care of her and when I pointed out what I don't like, she decided not to come back, so did others after her. My quiries were ranging from her not being given medicine, not being properly fed etc. After sharing my problem with a lot of people I decided to look for a home that will take care of her in a professional and caring manner. My aunt was not happy with this decision, so were other family members. The funny part is that no one was volunteering to assist in taking care of her. This also made me feel bad as in our culture we take care of our parents, it felt like I will be abandoning her at the old age home. I prayed so much asking God for guidance, finally I made my decision. I found a home that had in-house doctors, nurses around the clock, the place was expensive but their service was excellent. I made sure that I visited her as frequently as I could and took her home during weekend and holidays. She peacefully passed away in 1998 still staying at the home. When I see other families taking care of their elderly parents, making turns to do that, I wish I had siblings maybe I would'nt have had to take her to old age home. In our culture old age homes are associated with lederly people abandoned by their children. But for me I think I made a wise decision as my goal was for her to be comfortable up to the last hours of her life. If I could do it  all over again, I would not change anything I did. By the way I'm back in that situation with my aunt and I have hired someone to help her. For my aunt it is better because she can still be incharge of the person looking after her. Will I take her to an old age home when that time comes? the answer is yes, I just hope she understands my position, which is, I can't leave work to look after her, financially, I will never be able to do that.   LONG! I KNOW, SORRY GUYS.